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I'm weak.

edited January 4 in Drug Abuse

I thought I had a handle on my drug abuse because I cut down to once or twice a week, but the other day I got rejected from a job offer I really thought I had in the bag, and I was so upset I went on a 16 hour binge. I feel like I’ve lost all my progress. I just don't know how to find motivation. How can I stop using failure as an excuse or reason to go on these horrible binge sessions?

I feel weak. I've lost all hope. I get into this cycle of feeling hopeful for a second and it all just goes to sh*t.

I read recovery stories all the time but I don't get why others can kick the habit and why I just can't.

I can't even talk to my family about this because I feel like a mopey little POS.

marco67

Comments

  • edited bc of my terrible grammar.

    eric.mestre
  • I struggled with the same thing for a long time. I felt like i just could not get it. At some point i experienced enough pain and took the right steps to achieve sobriety. I have been off everything now for almost four years. Believe me there is hope! What kind of drugs have you been using?

  • mostly cocaine and some pot, but during my binge i was treating myself to an epic speedball extravaganza lol. i kind of have that mindset where once i start or relapse, ALL my goals go out the window, i massively give up, and end up binging badly.

  • I hear you about throwing everything out the window and saying fuck it. The way it made it stick with me is like this...
    look... i fucked up but this fuck up doesn't define who I am or even my sobriety. Try and learn your triggers (which you seem to know) and when confronted by those triggers, find something to do other than blow.
    Good luck to you girl and I hope you find your way.

  • thanks mykemyke. i do like what you said about not letting my fuck ups define me. i do think i am very self-aware of my triggers, i guess the next step is trying to actively do something about it. i have these bouts of being very hard on myself and it's hard for me to ask for help or speak out my issues out loud which is why i really love online forums lol. easier to type something out than try to call someone and bother them

  • @NClarke2017 sometimes it's hard opening up about our problems. I was a heroin junkie for quite some time and could never seem to ask for help. It didn't help my dad was getting high with me. It took some pretty serious stuff to happen for us to get clean. Now that I've had the clean life I couldn't imagine going back. Hope you find the courage to ask for help when you need it.

  • NClarke, even opening up on an online forum is progress, i think. SO many people are in the stage of denial and never even dare visit a recovery type forum because they're so adamant in their mind that they aren't addicted or that their habit is still under their control

  • Thanks for the support all. I do appreciate it.

  • And I just can’t quit it.

  • I like what everyone else has been saying so I wont repeat any of it. But, here is the thing, if nothing changes nothing changes (so cliche) But it is so true. I spent a long time trying to find ways to get sober by myself. None of it worked, i kept telling myself i could get high again but control it this time some how. I always ended up right where i left off and got progressively worse every time. I had to reach out for help, I had to get out of my comfort zone and do something that I told myself I didnt need to do. I have come to learn that if I dont want to do something then it is probably what i need to do. I cant listen to my head because it will kill me. There are SO many resources out there for us. Addiction is not a matter of will power, its a matter of mental health and i had to treat it as such before i found successful sobriety. I had to stop thinking this was a one man show and get some serious help and build a support system to maintain my sobriety. I was a sick gutter junky for a long long time. Now my life is so good it makes me sick sometimes. The hope is there, you just have to reach out and grab it

    cassie.mcginessNClarke2017marco67
  • That hits deep. Maybe it’s me or maybe not. It’s a good story to.

  • I am doing ok. Thank you all for the kind words. Having an online community really, really helps because I don't have much of a support group in real life. I was about to relapse last week after a particularly hard day but I didn't. I was about to text my dealer and had the text written out but I didn't send it. But ever since that day it's like the cravings won't stop.. It's still on my mind

    Stranger
  • I'm glad to hear that you didn't go through with the text. You need to remember you are strong!

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