Hello my friends.
I'm 128 days free of marijuana usage. When i decided to change my life 4 months ago i was devastated. It felt like one-way road to cut it off. I decided to quitt tobacco smoking also this day of 18th October.
The first days were a nightmare. So much angry and crying but day after day i was feeling better.
It wasn't the first try i did. It was the second one serious try with the first day having help from a rehab unit and team. At this second time i also have help but only once a week.
While the weeks are passed over, i felt really good. I had a daily program, started running almost every day, started working again, feel good and having social life. But slowly the fitness and running issue became an obsession. At the begging 1 hour of work out was ok, then i wanted 2 hours and more. I even took a 10th place on a mountain running race but not satisfied. I felt bad for not being first. All these im combination with the hard daily schedule i had and the eating issues (thaught of being fat even thaught i was 1.60 and 50 kilos if i ate a piece of cake) excausted me. I felt really tired and my eyes wreckles appeared.
I started to do less but didn't feel right. Now i have two weeks with no running or work out, stoped working, going out with friends and started eating dirty food. All i want to do is sitting in the couch. Start thinking of smoking and feel like all the effort of these 4 months have hone away. Feel bad with my body and myself. I feel like i'm in a deadlock. If i continue sitting in mycouch i'll start smokimg marijuana again, the darkness will come again, the feeling that i'm a dead alive person and the suicide thaughts will come again. But if i continue all these thaughts that i have to give my best, to eat the best way, to have a perfect body and the daily routine will feel like torturing. Feel like this 4 months of my new "me" was like a nice dream, but now i have to wake up and face the reality which is a "me" unable to live the life i'm dreaming