Fears about regression

Hello my friends.

I'm 128 days free of marijuana usage. When i decided to change my life 4 months ago i was devastated. It felt like one-way road to cut it off. I decided to quitt tobacco smoking also this day of 18th October.
The first days were a nightmare. So much angry and crying but day after day i was feeling better.
It wasn't the first try i did. It was the second one serious try with the first day having help from a rehab unit and team. At this second time i also have help but only once a week.
While the weeks are passed over, i felt really good. I had a daily program, started running almost every day, started working again, feel good and having social life. But slowly the fitness and running issue became an obsession. At the begging 1 hour of work out was ok, then i wanted 2 hours and more. I even took a 10th place on a mountain running race but not satisfied. I felt bad for not being first. All these im combination with the hard daily schedule i had and the eating issues (thaught of being fat even thaught i was 1.60 and 50 kilos if i ate a piece of cake) excausted me. I felt really tired and my eyes wreckles appeared.
I started to do less but didn't feel right. Now i have two weeks with no running or work out, stoped working, going out with friends and started eating dirty food. All i want to do is sitting in the couch. Start thinking of smoking and feel like all the effort of these 4 months have hone away. Feel bad with my body and myself. I feel like i'm in a deadlock. If i continue sitting in mycouch i'll start smokimg marijuana again, the darkness will come again, the feeling that i'm a dead alive person and the suicide thaughts will come again. But if i continue all these thaughts that i have to give my best, to eat the best way, to have a perfect body and the daily routine will feel like torturing. Feel like this 4 months of my new "me" was like a nice dream, but now i have to wake up and face the reality which is a "me" unable to live the life i'm dreaming


  • Hi. It sounds like you used an exercise obsession to cope with your unhappiness. I think you should seek therapy for your suicidal thoughts and body dysmorphia, first and foremost. Please do not regress back into smoking and get help. It sounds like you have high standards for yourself and that is why your exercise habit turned into an obsession with being "perfect".. Cut yourself some slack, it is OK to not exercise every day, and forgive yourself. NOBODY is perfect, like literally nobody is perfect so you shouldn't beat yourself up for not being able to hold yourself to an impossibly high standard. Do you have a support group you can reach out to?

  • edited February 2018
    Hi Ari_Z, thank you for your time and answer. These last months i go to a rehabilitation center named KETHEA. I'm not in a group therapy, i just have once the week or the two weeks a personal 1hour meeting with a therapist. I don't do phychotherapy, he just watching over me. Now after 12 appointements we made, i have to decide if i'll entry the group therapy or start searching for help somewhere else like in a phycho hospital for a weekly appointment over the addiction with a phycologist. In my first rehab try, 2 years ago i entried the group therapy in KETHEA and stayed for 3 1/2 months. I felt that i got serious help in some issues which i practice from then until now but i did't felt i was getting help in my obsession problem. Back then while i was in the group therapy i also gave my best and went over the top. Suddenly i felt tired and couldn't get motivated anymore. It was so hard for me to combine work, cooking, exercise, take baths, take care of my appearance and participated in the demanding program of the rehab group which i should respect the "contract" of the group. Which concludes to never borrow money. I did made that. I never borrowed. I worked hard and made my living but after these few months i felt totally exhausted. Like i feel now. I couldn't get help from the team about my obsession of doing everything in a perfect
    way. I needed something else than explaining to the rest of the team why i should keep the house i live even thaught it's 50 euros more expensive than i could afford and this house helps me. I felt like loading more problems than i solved.
    If i afford the money i would search for a good private phychotherapist that i would pay for my deeply soul treatment. But i don't. Now i haven't decided get what to do with my rehab therapy but entrying the group therapy feels like torture because of the time also. I have to manage all these things with almost 3 days less in my week, bacause i have to be there, in the rehab program and i hardly manage my week being completely all the time for me ( i mean without spending this time in rehab group therapy). Entrying the group feels like kicking me in a part of my body which i allready feel pain
  • edited February 2018
    In this second time of trying, it was much easier for me to combine life necessary issues like working, exercise cooking etc. But whatsover i feel so much vanity and sadness about trying these last months so hard but feeling like that now, again. Tired, no motivated, stuck in the sofa, eating junk food and afraid of start smoking again. All this effort and feel like i haven't made a step.
  • I widh i had the support of my family. When i was in the rehab center (in my first try) my parents denied coming to the programm of family support. My father haven't ever asked me what happened, never talked again about that and my mother also. She just asks me in a negative grumble way if i still smoke. All i want ti say but i don't is "shut the f#$k up, if you really cared or you were able to help me you wouldn't denie visiting the program as a family supporter then, so shut the f€%k up now, and never ask me again. You gave zero effort to help me" but i don't say it. I try not to get mad of them because they don't know what to do
  • I feel sorry for spreading negativity
  • It's ok - everyone needs to vent sometimes. Even our own family members can cause us grief. I'm sorry your family is not supportive of your decision to go to rehab.

    I am a little confused when you explain your housing situation. You cannot afford a certain house but you think it helps you but your group will not approve because it is out of your price range? I do think if something is out of your price range then it will hurt you more than help. Why do you think the house will help you over a cheaper house? How necessary is it to your health?

    It seems like your rehab center helps you with your drug problem, but there is clearly an obsession issue that isn't being addressed. In that case, I think a therapist is the best option for you. If you saved money on the housing, would you be able to afford a good psychotherapist?

    Don't apologize for venting your feelings, my dear!

  • it is important to talk about these things. Don't be sorry for expressong your feelings. That is why I keep going to a.a meetings to hear people that havd issues but still stay sober. I have had problems with similar feelings. I have been sober since June 3rd 2015 but just because I got sober does not mean that I don't feel saddness. It gets better get into the literature it will help. The loving clean book might help u.

  • My apologies for all the typos I am typing on a small screen

  • I agree with above. It can be wonderfully cathartic to share exactly how you feel. Our forum will welcome you with open arms!! Express away, friend! Hope to hear an update from you soon.

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