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Is it bad? Like what do I need to do?

I developed a eating disorder and self harm disorder before 13 and I at that point took it to a extreme. I stopped those behaviors when I started drinking alot and smoking weed and doing whatever. Then the drinking took it's own life for years because me and my dad decided to drink everyday for years. And I did that steadily up until I replaced that accidentally (blacked out and was at the wrong place started iv use) and I'd been dabbling for years but drugs never appealed to me. At least not uppers I loved opiates though before. But I never fathomed iv, I would and still ask and wonder how anyone does. So I'm not sure at what point it's dangerous. My arms are pretty marked up most of the time. My weight is down under 100 lbs, and I now function completely normal on substances. I don't trust the people I'm around constantly and everyone around me that I love doesn't know what I'm doing anymore. I did get scared when I first got into it and I went to detox because I was mixing uppers and downers and I got sick when I was out. I at that point tried very hard and went a few months clean. I lie now and say I am still clean. I fell back into drinking because everyone in my life drinks alot. So between my dad, and my partner I started to drink. I was very much convinced that it wasnt a big deal. I had been screamed at by my partner that I needed to be normal and I didn't go to detox for booze and should be able to just drink one beer. So I did. And then I slowly started drinking as heavy as I was as a drunk. I fell down a full flight of stairs twice in a week, and I fell and hit my head so hard off the washing machine that I passed out.

Because the norm in my family is heavy drinking and partying they found this funny as well as when I got so wasted I punched everyone. But it eventually within a few months led me back to the place where i was using. I basically went there because I was out of beer and I miss the people I was around. I was very lonely and isolated when I wasn't using because most people I know do. And one thing to another and boom now I'm using again. And I'm not even as obsessed with safety or being careful as I was(like I'm not as careful measuring or how or when) It was a occasional thing, then a whenever thing. Now it's a very common thing.

And I want to tell someone. Or something. I don't know if I want to stop. Is there a way to stay healthier while im using? Like my hair teeth skin body and mind look haggard after binges and I pretty much do it day to day. I can now sleep eat and speak to family while I'm tweaked. I worry about my teeth, my future, and all of that. But I also have no idea how I'd stay away from it or off of it. When I crave I crave so hard and bad that I can't speak to anyone without starting a fight. It changed me in a huge way the very first time I used.

I was so nice it was to a fault. I allowed people I love to use me as a stress reliever and beat on me, or mentally abuse me constantly. I was unable to stick up for myself but due to the confidence boost from the drug, I became much colder. I will fly off the handle and fight back or be so defensive now that they know I'll leave.

I somehow put it out of my mind, all of it. That I'm so in love with something so dark and evil. I can't wrap my head around how it, started or when or how it continued to now.

I'm not sure what to do. I know how extreme I take all of my behaviors and that this is a dangerous one. I know you shouldn't be around men double your age, but my friends mostly are. I know I'm so busy with this I'm not succeeding at life anymore. But I don't know how to stop. I love it, I mean I don't even the addicts I know ask me why I even do it.

I get paranoid or upset or other bad things. I feel guilty or I get mad at myself. But I continue, because for whatever reason I'm thoroughly addicted. Like I don't even like the high at all but I crave it, and I have since the first iv use. I crave both heroin and Meth but I prefer shooting Meth to heroin because something about the first few second or mins where my throat catches and I feel like I might die or I huffed paint or something. Heroin I love after like I love the high on that, but I get scared as I'm doing it.
Anyway what do I do if I'm stuck. I've been on something since I was young and I have no idea how normal people do things or live.

Also do I need help or can I like do this at home
Ari_Z_1993

Comments

  • OK. Let's tackle this one at a time.

    First of all, I want to bring up your final sentence. No, I don't think you can do this alone, you need a support group. The reason I feel so adamantly about this is because you have already shown that your family is NOT a viable support group, because they have their own addiction issues and find your drunken and dangerous antics more "entertaining" than dangerous, which seriously concerns me. So no, I honestly think YOU NEED external help and support in order to heal, simply because the support group you have with your family indicates heavy enabling. I'm not trying to bash your family but it's totally possible to have well-meaning family members who may be good in other aspects but at the same time be terrible for your recovery. So, YES you need help detoxing, I recommend looking for a treatment center or rehab online.

    Another thing that concerns me if your low self-esteem and mental image. You speak about yourself very negatively and it worries me a lot. Please recognize that you are worthy of spending the time and $ on yourself to heal!! I was reading your post and a few key phrases stuck out to me; I'm genuinely concerned that if you don't get help soon you will just continue a destructive path with your end goal of overdosing on a substance. DO NOT RISK IT GETTING THAT BAD! You are starting to get careless with needles and hanging out with a dangerous crowd - I think you enjoy the danger because you don't love yourself enough and that's why you are flirting with DEATH - I think you should look for treatment for your addiction AND your mental health issues because in all likelihood they are very closely correlated.

    You seem like you are slowly becoming a "high functioning" addict and look for ways to continue using while "still being healthy" - let me tell you that even if you are high-functioning, if you are addicted physically and psychologically YOU ARE NOT HEALTHY! You will not be healthy until you defeat this addiction.

    There must be some part of you that recognizes you need help because you are posting it. You seem self-aware of your faults and how dangerous some of your actions are. It's not too late to turn this ALL around.

    OK I wrote a wall of text here and I hope it reaches you in time.

    Find treatment!!!!

    dathnessm.reynoldsAri_Z_1993
  • To a point yes I'm aware. And what scares me is that I've learned to function on it.

    I'm so afraid of entering another world. My dads gotten help at least 20 times and he's still using. If I try and I fail again, I'm gonna feel even worse. I already do. This time I had full intentions of doing well. I really did. But I'm worse than last time. To some level I've devolpled a tolerance and that scares me because now I need more and it's harder to get. I have broken all my rules and moral laws
    And yet I'm terrified to stop because if I'm sober I react to other people simply so I'm not being mean now. Like if someone tells me a joke I want to hit them tbh but I laugh cuz I know I would have before. It's a constant cover up. I guess I lie constantly now, which I've always been so open about everything but I can't now.

    What if I never go back to a point of like having emotional responses. Like what if I never like things again, or care or feel again. Cuz that was the part that left this time. And with that my ability to consider other people in my actions or myself.
    NClarke2017Ari_Z_1993
  • I think drugs can dull your emotions. But I dont believe drugs can erase them to the point of no return (unless dying counts). You have used drugs for so long that your semblance of feeling "normal" is so far off base from what a regular, non-user considers "normal." It's like when you want to be high all the time, you can't bear to be "low"... but think of the average everyday person: nobody is "high" all the time. Sometime they're low, or sad, or hungry, or just plain bored.. The average person isn't always excited but when they DO feel that "high" they can appreciate it for what it is, because they've allowed themselves to feel the "low" parts. Does that make sense?

    I think your emotions are being dulled by depression or the drugs. It's human to not want to feel like crap, so you end up using again instead of allowing yourself to feel the crappiness of withdrawals/emotions/responsibilities etc.

    I think you have emotions but it's probably going to take a while of detoxing for you to appreciate the little things again, to be ok with the "lows" of life, etc. It probably does not help your family also suffers from addictive behavior. But don't let that limit you, or convince you that it's "impossible" to recover. It's not impossible, it's just going to be a fight against habit, at the end of the day.

    m.reynoldsAri_Z_1993
  • Don’t give up on yourself. I always thought that if I got clean and failed it would feel worse than continuing to use too. Getting clean is painful but so much less than continuing to use. I guarantee and I know from bitter experience that it gets worse and worse. It was sheer hell to pretend I was ok when everything was falling apart. I couldn’t do it alone though. I went to rehab and I go to meetings

    NClarke2017m.reynoldsAri_Z_1993
  • hope youre still there and hanging on

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