I developed a eating disorder and self harm disorder before 13 and I at that point took it to a extreme. I stopped those behaviors when I started drinking alot and smoking weed and doing whatever. Then the drinking took it's own life for years because me and my dad decided to drink everyday for years. And I did that steadily up until I replaced that accidentally (blacked out and was at the wrong place started iv use) and I'd been dabbling for years but drugs never appealed to me. At least not uppers I loved opiates though before. But I never fathomed iv, I would and still ask and wonder how anyone does. So I'm not sure at what point it's dangerous. My arms are pretty marked up most of the time. My weight is down under 100 lbs, and I now function completely normal on substances. I don't trust the people I'm around constantly and everyone around me that I love doesn't know what I'm doing anymore. I did get scared when I first got into it and I went to detox because I was mixing uppers and downers and I got sick when I was out. I at that point tried very hard and went a few months clean. I lie now and say I am still clean. I fell back into drinking because everyone in my life drinks alot. So between my dad, and my partner I started to drink. I was very much convinced that it wasnt a big deal. I had been screamed at by my partner that I needed to be normal and I didn't go to detox for booze and should be able to just drink one beer. So I did. And then I slowly started drinking as heavy as I was as a drunk. I fell down a full flight of stairs twice in a week, and I fell and hit my head so hard off the washing machine that I passed out.
Because the norm in my family is heavy drinking and partying they found this funny as well as when I got so wasted I punched everyone. But it eventually within a few months led me back to the place where i was using. I basically went there because I was out of beer and I miss the people I was around. I was very lonely and isolated when I wasn't using because most people I know do. And one thing to another and boom now I'm using again. And I'm not even as obsessed with safety or being careful as I was(like I'm not as careful measuring or how or when) It was a occasional thing, then a whenever thing. Now it's a very common thing.
And I want to tell someone. Or something. I don't know if I want to stop. Is there a way to stay healthier while im using? Like my hair teeth skin body and mind look haggard after binges and I pretty much do it day to day. I can now sleep eat and speak to family while I'm tweaked. I worry about my teeth, my future, and all of that. But I also have no idea how I'd stay away from it or off of it. When I crave I crave so hard and bad that I can't speak to anyone without starting a fight. It changed me in a huge way the very first time I used.
I was so nice it was to a fault. I allowed people I love to use me as a stress reliever and beat on me, or mentally abuse me constantly. I was unable to stick up for myself but due to the confidence boost from the drug, I became much colder. I will fly off the handle and fight back or be so defensive now that they know I'll leave.
I somehow put it out of my mind, all of it. That I'm so in love with something so dark and evil. I can't wrap my head around how it, started or when or how it continued to now.
I'm not sure what to do. I know how extreme I take all of my behaviors and that this is a dangerous one. I know you shouldn't be around men double your age, but my friends mostly are. I know I'm so busy with this I'm not succeeding at life anymore. But I don't know how to stop. I love it, I mean I don't even the addicts I know ask me why I even do it.
I get paranoid or upset or other bad things. I feel guilty or I get mad at myself. But I continue, because for whatever reason I'm thoroughly addicted. Like I don't even like the high at all but I crave it, and I have since the first iv use. I crave both heroin and Meth but I prefer shooting Meth to heroin because something about the first few second or mins where my throat catches and I feel like I might die or I huffed paint or something. Heroin I love after like I love the high on that, but I get scared as I'm doing it.
Anyway what do I do if I'm stuck. I've been on something since I was young and I have no idea how normal people do things or live.
Also do I need help or can I like do this at home