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I have to do this on my own with no one knowing.

I don’t know why Im doing this, but fuck it. Im 24 and a functioning 6 year pill/alcohol addict but use others to. I’m writing this while I’m coming down off a week long binge to a different drug I got cause I’ve been bleeding my pill suppliers dry and wasn’t wanting to be sober. So now I’m coming off this shit and have a long ass day of work in the morning, in 3 hours, and hate doing my first day clean, again, at work, but I have to. I’ve been wanting to be clean really bad for awhile now, but with all the negative things going on in my life it’s so hard. I’m not worried about withdrawals of this shit cause it’s not my thing so it’s fairly easy. I just want to be high to make life bareable. I have to do this on my own with no one knowing. I think doing it without anyone knowing will be the only thing that helps me fight my demons and keep my reputation. The pain meds with beer are what takes some of the pain away for a bit, but I’m tired of being reliant on chemicals to get by. I’ve lost my emotions. I’m never happy or sad, just disappointed and scared of the full time sober life. But with all the pressure of debt mixed with the pressure of life, I got all this pressure that’s pressing me, feel like my heads in a vice. It kills me knowing that the things that use to terify me are who I’ve become. I’ve done a lot of bad things in my life, been very lucky that I haven’t gotten in trouble for any of the bad. But after getting in a lot of trouble for something I didn’t do, along with some other miserable shit, I followed my deamons even harder, trying to get some relief for my pain, but I’m tired. Hope someone will read this, sorry.

Comments

  • Oh and I’m a fuck up.
  • you gotta do something man, your use may not be as big of a secret as you think. Addiction is super progressive and the double life only lasts so long. If it comes out that youve been getting high and asking for help, it is received much better than if youve been getting high but wont do anything about it. why are you scared of people knowing?

    cherry.mccarthym.reynoldsChris
  • I’ve been living this double like for like 6 years, and was using really heavy. It definitely has gotten worse, no doubt. And way harder for me to hide it. Like getting high before I’d do anything. Before work in the morning, probably at least a few times during the day at work, and at night I’d really go at it. That has been my cycle for a few years now. Not gonna lie about it, it definitely felt good, for a while. Like taking 12 morphine 30s and close to a 6 pack before work, not even to get high, just to feel normal pain free. But the devistations it helped to cause hurt way more than the high felt good. A lot of outside factors at play that are out of my control other than my vices. I still really don’t have any emotions though. I have thought about that before, that it may not be a big secret. But I think it’s only half right. So many lies are told about me around here that people tend to only believe someone close to me. I know exactly what you’re saying about if it comes out, I know for a fact I would lose my job, I’ve worked with him for 10 years. He’s been like the father mine never has been. But I know exactly what he’d do if he knew. And I also think it would kill my 92 year old Grandma that I love to death. Many more reasons to. My image has been severely tarnished by all the lies and pain that people spread in the last 8 months. I don’t like people knowing my shit either.

  • The bad things are compounding because of the addiction. You have to get help and turn this shit around, but you're not going to be able to do it alone. You're going to need detox. I feel ya on not wanting anyone in your business, but these people you mentioned...your boss that is like a father...your grandma...what they want is for you to live a happy and productive life. They don't want you miserable and killing yourself. Addiction is incredibly personal and so is recovery. There are resources to help find you a detox center with an aftercare program, so you can get clean. You actually can't lose your job because of going to rehab. It's medical and also covered by insurance. And if you do then you do, but you know what? At least you'll be alive. I'm betting he wouldn't do that to you. Your nirvana is right on the other side of this fear! GET PAST THE FEAR so you can start living again!

    m.reynolds
  • You say I’m going to need detox. Do I really need to go to detox if I’ve been clean from my doc for 8 days now? I have no withdrawal symptoms except maybe a runny nose and being tired. And the thing is, if I can do this successfully I’m going to need some motivational help. I think the only thing I have right now to give me motivation is doing it and people not knowing, that way I can hold onto some of my pride. Am I still looking at this wrong? I do think I might need professional help for my depression or whatever. I kinda think I can do the addiction on my own.

  • You can't beat addiction on your own and if you need support go out and get it. There are meetings offered in every corner of the country and DR's that specialize in dual diagnosis. A lot of times addiction is caused by masking mental issues, like depression. A good place to start would be with your general doctor. Let him/her know you are struggling with addiction and depression. Trust me, they deal with it all the time. You are not alone in this struggle! The best way to deal with this is to start dealing with it. Sounds like you've made some great first steps on your own, but you are going to need to surround yourself with support, people that know what they are dealing with and how to help. That's going to take you being honest to yourself and your support team. YOU CAN DO THIS.

    m.reynoldsChrisStrangercassie.mcginess
  • I agree.. maybe you don't need detox as you have already detoxed but you need a support group (in some form, doesnt need to be AA necessarily) for the maintenance/ treatment of cravings and mental aspect of substance abuse.

    Chris
  • I agree with both of you that I’m gonna probably need help for the mental side of things. Especially right now cause I feel like I’m on the verge of relapse. It sounds so good for one more time. Just to numb the pain.

  • nah fuck that, see this is why its nearly impossible to do on your own, your head is going to keep telling you "one more time" until its so loud its all you can hear. Addiction has never been a matter of will power, it's always a matter of mental health. Eventually your will power is gonna lose out when "one more time" sounds way better than anything you're doing or could do at the time. There is so much help out there available to you. Call FAN, they will get you connected with the correct services for you to find true lasting sobriety. 833-811-1505

    Stranger
  • How are you doing?

  • @blownlobes89 I just don’t know if I can get myself to do something like that. I’m extremely stubborn, especially when it comes to this kind of shit.
  • @Ari_Z_1993 I was doing good the last time I was on here. But lately I’ve been fucking up big time, even tho I’ve been getting help from a lot of different people. They just have no idea how hard this shit is. I worked my ass off my whole life to become the person I am today. I’m a bad person, it’s not just addiction that I’m fighting, I need and want to change my whole life and who I am. That’s what makes fighting addiction even harder, the fact that it’s not just that that I need to change. I need the help, talking to people that know where I’m coming from, that kind of shit. Idk about treatment, I’m scared as fuck about that. I’m stuck in that water and trying to learn how to live with my demons. It’s just so damn hard. Sorry I’m kinda rambling right now, just in a lot of fucking pain, it’s killing me.
    Chris
  • Hi. Good to hear from you. I don't know wtf is going on with your life. But I do want to tell you that bad people can change. Now, I don't believe you are a bad person. Maybe you've done shitty things, I wouldn't know. But shitty people can get better. You are only defined by your mistakes if you throw in the towel now and decide to be shitty forever. Bad people can become better.

    Don't be terrified for treatment. Shit, I'd be more terrified of giving up or accepting my fate. Don't be terrified of getting help.

    Stranger
  • @Stranger Been there, Destroyed that

  • You need to understand that addiction is connected to something bigger and to deal with it you need to find the cause. We try to cover pain by using subs to feel better or to escape. See a doctor and see what is going on. You could be having other problems that need checked. You are not a waste by any means and you have value. By looking for help you have proven that you want to change.

    Chrissalem.thackerym.reynolds
  • Hi. Hope you have been doing well.

    m.reynolds
  • "You are not a waste by any means and you have value. By looking for help you have proven that you want to change."

    just wanted to reiterate what @hbk166 said. i totally agree.

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