I don’t know why Im doing this, but fuck it. Im 24 and a functioning 6 year pill/alcohol addict but use others to. I’m writing this while I’m coming down off a week long binge to a different drug I got cause I’ve been bleeding my pill suppliers dry and wasn’t wanting to be sober. So now I’m coming off this shit and have a long ass day of work in the morning, in 3 hours, and hate doing my first day clean, again, at work, but I have to. I’ve been wanting to be clean really bad for awhile now, but with all the negative things going on in my life it’s so hard. I’m not worried about withdrawals of this shit cause it’s not my thing so it’s fairly easy. I just want to be high to make life bareable. I have to do this on my own with no one knowing. I think doing it without anyone knowing will be the only thing that helps me fight my demons and keep my reputation. The pain meds with beer are what takes some of the pain away for a bit, but I’m tired of being reliant on chemicals to get by. I’ve lost my emotions. I’m never happy or sad, just disappointed and scared of the full time sober life. But with all the pressure of debt mixed with the pressure of life, I got all this pressure that’s pressing me, feel like my heads in a vice. It kills me knowing that the things that use to terify me are who I’ve become. I’ve done a lot of bad things in my life, been very lucky that I haven’t gotten in trouble for any of the bad. But after getting in a lot of trouble for something I didn’t do, along with some other miserable shit, I followed my deamons even harder, trying to get some relief for my pain, but I’m tired. Hope someone will read this, sorry.