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Demons

I’m just trying to be a better son, brother, friend, employee, but it’s so hard when youre stuck in that water. Ive been trying to learn how to live with my demons. I think I’m falling in love with my demons. Is that bad? I’m sober from my doc for a week now, it almost feels kinda good for a change. But I still am fighting my urge to constantly be high or drunk. Today was a really good day and I didn’t even care if I got high, it kind of feels like the beginning of a breakup. But then she’ll tell me she’s there and I’ll come running back. Fuckn dangerous. I’m just lost right now. Sorry, hope you all are doing good.

brandiii79

Comments

  • I guess what I’m asking is, should I put all my chips in the middle of the table this time? How do I know if I’m ready to stop for real or not? When I go all in, I plan to leave this bitch with a medal. When I’m ready, idk if I truly am, I know I won’t back down or run for my demons.

  • I think by you writing this post shows that you are ready to end the relationship you have with substances. It's a great feeling being able to say it feels good not taking anything. Have you looked into going to meetings?

    Chris
  • You feel lost because you are. If you are truly trying to recover you'll need a good support system around you. Seek out meetings in your area. It'll do you A LOT of good! <3

    Chris
  • I really feel this. I almost relapsed the other week and I was so disappointed in myself even if I didn't. It was like a combination of feeling disappointed that I didn't take the drugs, and feeling disappointed that I even go so close to relapsing. But I need to tell myself that if I get high I will feel AWFUL during the comedown. And really angry with myself. It's a bad cycle.

    I think fighting an addiction and fighting off cravings doesn't get any easier, there will be that tinge every so often to go back to your old habits. You have to remember who you are staying sober for - your family, your friends, and most of all yourself.

    It does indeed help to go to meetings. It at least keeps me out of my "head" which helps fight the demons inside it. I think you should look into a local support group or some recreational therapy like nearby hiking trails. You can and WILL fight these demons!

    Chris
  • Before I reply to all of you. I got a question, is it okay if I smoke a little pot while doing this? I use to smoke all the time but quit cause it was boring me. I gotta keep on pushing thru it and maybe smoking a blunt at night would help ease cravings. I put my soul up on the page as I judge myself. But this is how I feel just after getting off work... Cigarettes and cocaine? I don’t trust myself. Pills and beer? Fuckn dangerous. Drinkn whiskey for the pain, and a blunt might help. Or I could just have a really fuckn good speedball game with some speed, pills, and benzos. That’s what I’m sitting here going to war with in my head. I gotta keep on pushing thru it. It’s just so easy for me to get anything I want whenever I want. Alls Id have to do is open a couple boxes in my closet and grab whatever I want. But it ain’t worth it, gotta tell myself that. Lackin self-respect with all the love I get, why can’t I find a way to love myself? But still I’m here and breathin, tryin to find a reason. Follow a treacherous trail, but in the end I’ll prevail.

    I have thought about going to meetings. Where I live there is only AA, and fuck that. I know people that go there and don’t get along with some, it’d be a big trigger for me. I think meetings would help tho, but not with the option I have. The thing I think would help the most would be having a person or two I could just talk to n open up to, but I’m such a private person n that would be hard.

    @NClarke2017 I know exactly what you feel like when having an opportunity to relapse. I Very rarely in my life say no to chemicals. I believe that it would help a lot to go to meetings, it’s just not me tho. I feel like all’s I care about still is my old life and how good it felt. But I can’t survive only caring about sex, drugs, and pain. I know I have to learn how to love something besides that, the temptation is so damn strong right now though. The hardest thing with leaving old life is the insecurity and anxiety that comes with not having drugs. When you almost relapsed, how’d you stop yourself? That’s the hardest part.

    NClarke2017
  • @Stranger What helped me was knowing I had a family and loved ones that I would have to face if I relapsed. Knowing they had hope in me was what kept me grounded. If I didn't have them tethering me down to the world I likely would have relapsed and never saw the need to go back. I can still remember myself before I was addicted and I feel like that was such a long time ago. I felt like I owed it to that girl to live up to her potential instead of giving up. So I guess I am different because when I look back at my old pre-addiction life, THAT'S the life I envy.. not the drug-addled depressed me that I don't even want to face in the mirror.

    You can say AA is "just not you" but at the end of it it's just another tool to help you stay sober. So whether that is by joining a recovery-focused group and having a sponsor, or getting your support via recreational activities or something.

    To answer your question.. I guess I would have to say you need to self-evaluate yourself. Will marijuana just serve as a new habit? Are you using it to cope with withdrawal? Can marijuana potentially lead you to relapsing? I am not fond of using more medication to wean off of other medication, but if marijuana is a lesser evil and will help you to recover from harder substances then I think it'd be ok. But that requires a lot of introspection and self evaluating. Some people need to go detox 100% off every substance because they have crazy anxiety and temptation issues.

  • @NClarke2017 First I just want to say thank you for your responses, it helps a lot n I’m not just saying that either. I see what you say about family helping you a lot, I wish I had the balls to tell them so I’d have the support. It does feel like a life time ago before I was n addict and I hated everything I was, I could only look in the mirror when I had a rare good day. But what really got to me is what you said about owing it to yourself to live up to your potential and not give up. I beat the shit out of myself every minute of everyday because of all the potential I had. I was winning at everything I wanted to do, to bad I wanted to be this. When I was just getting to high school I wanted to be popular, got that and more. Then I wanted to be n athlete, killed at that. Then wanted to be a drug dealer, very successful at that. Then wanted to use drugs and never looked back. Now I’m just trying to look at what I want now and that’s to be disappointed in loved ones who have never noticed my problem, love and thank my haters for giving me motivation and asking them to keep it up, and to make all those who’ve hurt me wish that they never did. I’m going to beat this devil and be stronger than I’ve ever been.

    I think having a sponsor would help a lot, I’m just so ashamed of myself that I don’t want that person to be someone I know.

    I think smoking pot again would just be a new/old habit that will tie me down. That’s the first drug I had a problem with and graduated to better things cause it bored me. Definitely think it would lead me to relapse. If I’m going to beat my deamons, I need to understand them and never look back. Again, thank you for helping me a little. Hope that you beat your deamons and win at life.
    NClarke2017Chris
  • Gosh. I am so glad that something I said impacted another person, even just over the Internet. :) When you are battling demons in your head, it can feel quite lonely sometimes, even when you go on forums as much as I do. It never feels like I am really making a difference. Please reach out to me if you ever need to talk.

    As for having a sponsor.. a big part of recovery is being able to swallow your pride and accept help. Your ego isn't as important as your entire life, literally.

    It takes a very, very mature person to acknowledge that pot would hinder, not help, them. So, kudos to you. I can safely say I know many people who would rather live in denial and rationalize that their self-medicating is actually "treating" themselves rather than accepting their use for what it is: a faulty and ineffective crutch.

    Yeah, when I thought about how I used to be before I started binging on substances, I felt really disappointed that the bright ambitious HAPPY girl turned into an anxiety-ridden depressive. Who would rather sit around and get stoned and fucked up for hours instead of like... doing something even REMOTELY productive/satisfying. It was just dulling my sense constantly for months on end. I feel like I want to reclaim the time I lost getting high. And while my family is a huge motivator for me.. I think trying to live up to my OWN potential was what really prompted me to take real action towards getting sober.. like not just talking about it but actually doing shit to get clean i.e. throwing away shit, deleting #s of my dealers, etc.

    cassie.mcginessChrisStranger
  • @NClarke2017 Might have to take you up on that offer sometime. It definitely helps just talking about it a little instead of getting way to damn consumed in my own head. I think I can and have swallowed my pride and would accept help, just not from the people I want to prove wrong, which is everyone I know. I’ve always been to nice and trusting and time and time again that approach left me with nothing but some drug problems and a lot of debt.

    The thing with smoking weed is it gets me high, so how could I resist better drugs when I’m teasing myself with pot? Yeah that ain’t gonna work at all. I know exactly who I am and I’m never comfortable just getting a taste of something. And then I’m left to wonder who the fuck I am.

    The problem I’m having now that I’m doing this is I can feel myself changing into a different person. But I’m having more and more of a problem talking to people, even my “brothers” that would kill for me and are closer than blood. They probably think I’m just high tho. My phones been blowing up and I don’t answer calls, texts, anything. I feel disconnected with my soul again, and idk if I can carry on without talking to people.

    That’s the hard part, actually doing something about it. Like I still talk to my suppliers on a daily basis almost, and all my shit is right where it always is. Really? How can I throw it all away when I’m scared to lose at this battle? But she’s looking better every time I see her, how could I resist the temptations when I live with her. My mind bounces back and forth between wanting better things and drugs. I can’t even think of anything but drugs right now and I want it so bad, like just one more night sounds amazing. It’s crazy how I can’t even think of anything right now except that feeling. I’m so fuckn broken.
    m.reynoldsNClarke2017
  • @NClarke2017 Might have to take you up on that offer sometime. It definitely helps just talking about it a little instead of getting way to damn consumed in my own head. I think I can and have swallowed my pride and would accept help, just not from the people I want to prove wrong, which is everyone I know. I’ve always been to nice and trusting

    The thing with smoking weed is it gets me high, so how could I resist better drugs when I’m teasing myself with pot? Yeah that ain’t gonna work at all. I know exactly who I am and I’m never comfortable just getting a taste of something. And then I’m left to wonder who the fuck I am.
  • Idk why the fuck that happened.
  • Hey man! If you wanna give it up and make some lasting sobriety, give Fight Addiction Now a call! Don’t be shy, they will get you on the right path and would love to help you! 833-811-1505
    Stranger
  • I wanted to chime in here and tell you that what is broken can be fixed.. You sound like you are already defeated but if you aren't going to pick yourself up and turn this around, nobody can do it for you. Perception is reality my friend.

    Stranger
  • edited May 4

    @Stranger How have you been doing? I just read this thread and noticed it's been a while since you've posted.

    Stranger
  • Perhaps you need a change of environment.. literally haul yourself away from your dealer/toxic environment. When I was depressed I would isolate myself from everyone I knew. The reason was because I 1) didn't have the energy to make small talk or pretend to be happy and 2) I couldn't stand to have them ask how I am, etc. I just didn't want to face any questions. I don't want to armchair diagnose here but you are clearly deeply unhappy. I think you should look into a treatment center that offers programs for both mental health & addiction issues, it's called co-occurring disorder treatment. Because sometimes treatment centers literally just detox you and then say GTFO and they never treat the mental health aspect which leads to a person going back to drugs to self-medicate etc.

    Stranger
  • I happen to be very pro marijuana, but when trying to get sober I would not advise using any drugs. I mean you are doing the work, right? Might as well get yourself totally clean, no crutches. The only time I think it should be considered is if you are using it for pain management and getting off opioids. If you are using it for recreational purposes, then no. I hope you are finding help!

  • Your life > your pride. You can be shameful and have guilt and regret for what's happened to you but in the end this self-defeatist attitude solves nothing and you are right where you started. Sometimes we need to give ourselves the tough love

    salem.thackeryStranger
  • @salem.thackery Been doing okay actually. I’ve been mostly clean since I last got on here, n that’s been like a month. I say mostly cause imma fuck up, but I’m doing better at it.
    Sorry I haven’t been on here in a while. It’s just not the kind of thing I’m about, but it does help. I have therapy everyday, just by myself. I’m really hard on myself and dig really far into my head, just like a shrink would, and it helps a lot. I have to keep reminding myself what I want and all the bad things I’ve done to give me the motivation to persevere. What also helps is working and working out. I have worked out in years, but started again a couple weeks ago and feel much better.
    I don’t want and don’t think I need any professional help. Don’t think I’d like it, maybe a shrink. But idk, that ain’t me. I am on the path of breaking these chains and feeling the sunshine.
    It means a lot that you guys on here kind of care, at least act like you do. Nobody in my life knows what I’m going thru because I refuse to tell them. Yeah they have suspicions about things, but nothing close to what I have going.
  • @blownlobes89 I’ve thought about what you said n get where you’re coming from, but what kind of help do they offer? If that’s okay for me to ask. Like is going to treatment your only option with that Fight Addiction thing? I’d take certain kinds of help, but I can’t do things like treatment..
  • why can't you do treatment? You know the best chance of lasting recovery and sobriety you have is treatment. Addiction doesn't just go away on its own. I tested that theory for a long time, and I'm just lucky it didn't kill me. They hook you up with services to get you sober, to answer your question.

  • @Stranger Maybe it's time for you to open up to your loved ones. Having a support system will help you out. If you've never been to treatment how do you know you can't do it?

    Stranger
  • Yeah if you can beat it without treatment then you would have done it already. The thing people don't think about is that you can try and try to go it alone but you need support and tools for life and getting the right help give you that. It's a lifelong commitment because you have to kill those demons and be aware that others and new crap will try to sneak in and pull you off the path

    salem.thackeryStranger
  • I wanted to pop in here and let you know I am thinking about you! Hope you see this!

    Stranger
  • @NClarke2017 I don’t even know how to take that. I’m so use to being rejected every time I ask someone for some help or support. My demons are trying to kill me. I’ve been making good progress but still fucking up. Sorry for the language. I hope your offer still stands. I’ve been thinking about talking to you about shit all day since you said that. I’m looking forward to having the chance to talk to you about my shit, it’d really help.
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