I'M TERRIFIED!

edited January 2018 in Real Stories

I just had a whole page typed out, then it just completely vanished. But, anyways.. I doubt anyone will even read this ENTIRE story/needing advice post, but PLEASE at least TRY to read it all. If you don't read the entire page, then may you PLEASE read the last few sentences, at the bottom of the page, where I'm asking for some advice.........
So, I'm a 20 year old, 1st time mom of a beautiful 3mos. old baby. We're crammed into a duplex with 3 other relatives. I try to make the best of it, but I just can't handle all the stress anymore. Let's rewind back 4 years ago, age 16, I was dating a man in his late 20s. He gave me some pot, but he can't have all the credit, I've smoked pot, once before. We began drinking every weekend. Soon, it was also school nights. I still went, but hungover at least 3/5 days a week, every week. Next, was snorting pills, like this pill and that one, skinny ones and fat ones, any pill. (I'm still 16 at this point.) One day he had his DOC, heroin. I had no clue what it even was, he then pulls out a needle, I end up trying it. I hated it. It made me so sick every time, but I continued doin it because he was. Thank God that I never got addicted to it. He was hooked on it, again, within a week. I just did whenever I got to hang out with him. We were so sick in the head, I know. So, now we've used heroin together whenever possible, for about a year. (17 at this point) Long story, short, he began acting very strange one day, come to find out, he's done went and tried meth. And so, of course, I try it too. BOOM! I fell in love with it, instantly. I've now been a meth addict for about 3 years. During the last 4 years of my life, I've been to 7 separate jails and institutions, also picking up a few serious felony convictions and also a few misdemeanors, that are now on my record. Then, there's the things that would've been on my record, if I'd been caught, let's not forget the awful things that I've done/said to the ones that love me the most. I'm still, absolutely, so ashamed, extremely disappointed and very angry with/at myself for ALL of my actions. (19 at this point) I'd just gotten out of jail for the last time about 2-3mos. ago and it's sometime between around the end of March or beginning of April, I was court ordered to complete long term treatment. (6mos.) I was beyond ready and extremely grateful to get this chance to complete, one of the top and one of the most highly successful, inpatient treatment center, in The USA! It was going to be the turning point in my life. But I had to go home because I took a pregnancy test that came back as positive. They can't accept pregnant women for their program. I went thru so many emotions at once, when the lady told me that I was pregnant. I was so angry that I had to go home. I was also very terrified, because I didn't want to hurt my baby, by using again, because I wasn't ready for the real world without any mood/mind altering substances, just yet, I didn't have the tools I needed to survive as a sober/clean woman. I end up getting my s**t together, in about mid May. I got a job, I quit all mood/mind altering substances, cold turkey, by myself and managed to stay clean the rest of my pregnancy. I gave birth to a tiny, but beautiful lil baby back in November '17. It was easier to stay clean while pregnant because I didn't want to hurt my baby.

Read this part, if you don't read the entire page, please? Now that I'm no longer pregnant, I'M ABSOLUTELY TERRIFIED! I'm terrified because my mind HASN'T stopped thinking about meth, the high of it, the process of using it and how much I used to love it... I'm terrified because I don't want to do it, but somehow I always end up being sucked right back into the obsession of the meth and the process of using it and that terrifies me so much! I have relapsed a few times now and I don't know what to do. I'm not trying to go to a rehab for women and their children, that terrifies me because I worry CPS would have a good reason to take my child! I just need some advice for getting the thoughts, to at least ease up a little bit, because these thoughts are terrifying me! Do you get it? I'm ABSOLUTELY TERRIFIED, and the MOST TERRIFYING thing of all, is the thought of me losing my baby because I gave into the temptation, for some temporary "pleasure" that would cause me to lose my baby! I'm terrified. Please help me...?

Comments

  • Meth isn't something I've ever tried and I've heard many different things about it. While you were pregnant you didn't use because you didn't want to hurt your baby right? Now you need to continue looking at it that way. If you use you will be hurting your baby. I think you should look into getting a sponsor and going to meetings.

  • You said you got your shit together because you did not want to hurt your baby. You were able to quit cold turkey and stay clean. Understand that even after you have given birth, YOUR CHILD STILL NEEDS YOU. Your child deserves a mother who is 100% there. What if there is an emergency but you are too high or experiencing withdrawals to help him? Just because you have given birth to the baby, doesn't mean you relinquish all responsibility.

    Another point: You are able to quit cold turkey for your child while pregnant right? Why don't you extend the same motivation for YOURSELF? YOU deserve the same love that you give your child! In other words, if you were strong enough to quit for your baby, you ARE strong enough to quit for YOURSELF too!

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